No Good Deed Goes Unpunished...

by **Mortuus** 2012-10-26, 03:03

"No good deed goes unpunished." - Samuel Langhorne Clemens

A truly great quote from a truly amazing writer and philosopher, and something I'd always assumed was just his way of having fun with the words he so amazingly put together to create such classics as The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court. Ultimately, though, I came to understand that Mr. Clemens was not just playing some sort of hi-brow word game; he was damned serious when he uttered that now-immortal phrase...

By way of background, not to mention full disclosure, I've volunteered my time to a number of charitable organizations over the years, including the ASPCA, the Humane Society and Leo Grillo's wonderful organization, DELTA - Dedicated & Everlasting Love Toward Animals - saving the lives of and giving homes to stray cats and dogs in L.A., Orange and Ventura Counties. I also spent a lot of time during my 26-year USN career with the Tailhook Association, a very charitable contingent of dedicated Naval Aviators who worked very hard to mentor and properly socialize impressionable young women who needed firm, helping male hands in their lives...er, wait a second...uh, hey, I was sick and couldn't even go that year...no, really, I was...

Anyhow, during the last five years of my semi-retirement, I've donated a good deal of my spare time - and very limited talents - to the Susan G. Komen Foundation, an amazing group of people dedicated to finding a cure for breast cancer and eradicating it, once and for all, from the face of the earth. They are absolutely dedicated to this noble cause and are generous-to-a-fault when it comes to helping those who suffer from this terrible affliction. By way of comparison, my contributions have been infinitessimal when stacked up next to theirs. So when I got a call from one of my friends and fellow volunteers, telling me that I was to be honored for my five years of service to the organization at our next meeting, I was both shocked and perplexed. Me? Honored? For what? My Long-Term Nose Hair Abatement Program? Keeping my toenails trimmed...? Bathing every eight to ten days, whether I need it or not? Seriously...honored for what?

Look, I'm as vain and conceited as the next fellow, but "honoring" my miniscule contributions just didn't seem right when compared to the many thousands of hours that so many others have given to organizations like Komen over a lot longer period of time. I expressed this sentiment to my "boss," Jay What's-His-Name, one of the Volunteer Coordinators, and he told me that five years worth of volunteering was not something the Foundation took lightly, and he recommended that I just shut my face, accept their thanks and receive my gift without any further kvetching.

Gift?

Gift?

"What gift?" I asked, truly dreading the answer.

"Your five-year gift, Mort."

"What, exactly, is a 'five-year gift'?"

I'll spare you the rest of the tediously boring exchange that followed, and just summarize it by saying that I kept asking and he kept not-telling. In the end, he did tell me one thing, albeit inadvertently: the Gift Selection Committee was aware that I "liked watches," so my gift was probably going to be something, well, watch-related, like, say, a watch, maybe. I was not particularly overjoyed to hear this; I mean, c'mon, these people are great at what they do in support of breast cancer research and treatment, but I'd been given watches by various and sundry Gift Selection Committees over the years, and I was not at all sanguine about receiving something that I'd actually want to own, much less wear. Still, there was nothing I could do but keep my fingers crossed and practice my feigned look of surprise and ecstatic, uber joyous grin.

Jaybus, Merry 'an Josif...

So the big day finally comes, and I'm in the makeshift "meeting room," an airy, high-ceilinged living room-sized area, packed with a few dozen folding chairs of varying ages and design. I was waiting for the meeting to get going, when one of the senior administrators came into the nearly full room, lugging a big "Santa bag" over one shoulder, and smiling at everyone as if he really was Olde Saint Nick. He made his way to the front of the room, where an old library table served as a sort of combined dais / display table, and started pulling small boxes out of the bag and arranging them neatly on its thick, oaken plank top.

Yellow boxes.

Cheesy yellow boxes.

Cheesy yellow watch boxes.

With Silver-colored lettering on the front.

Oh. No. Not. That.

My heart sank. My bowels loosened a little. A fine line of sweat formed just above my eyebrows. And I could feel myself wanting to laugh and cry at the same time. I did neither. I just broadened my by-now manic smile and waited.

I won't drag this narrative out too much longer, except to say that 'cheesy invicta yellow' was not the only out-of-the-ordinary color I encountered that day...nope, not by a long shot.

The presenter said, "Our friend, Mort, isn't afraid to wear our favorite color here. [Audience chuckles]

"Pink 'awareness ribbons.' [Audience chuckles again]

"Pink 'snap bracelets.' [Audience chuckles yet again; a few Rick Kalena-esque haw-haws are faintly heard]

"Pink tee shirts. [More chuckles, but there's now a 'will you please get this done' feel to it; a few Rick Kalena honk-snorts can now be heard, as well]

"He even has a pink sports coat. [Author's note: it's mauve, dammit, mauve...and who let Rick Fucking Kalena in here...? Mad

]

"And now... [the 'emcee' says, waving his hand with a flourish and smiling broadly] ...a new watch!

And now...my "Five-Year Gift," as presented by the well-meaning folks at Komen:

affraid

Jeebus swept...

[@Doc Needles: you needn't laugh on the inside; we're all friends here, and you should feel free to laugh out loud, er, if you will scratch

]

Y'know, it looks kinda good...and it does fit kinda nice... bom

by **bigedsurf** 2012-10-26, 06:36

Snicker.............. Laughing

by **Ocean** 2012-10-26, 09:02

by **mrneddles** 2012-10-26, 09:17

Nice story Mort. No laughter here, simply wondering what are your plans for the watch?

by conjurer 2012-10-26, 11:09

That's a swell story, Mort! Seriously, you should wear that ~~piece of shit~~ beautiful Invicter with pride, since the kind folks who toil beside you in your fine work (and fine work it is, goddamn it) saw fit to buy that for you. So what if Eyal's a callus cocksucker? It's the thought behind the gift that counts.

by **Mortuus** 2012-10-26, 16:48

bigedsurf wrote:Snicker..............

Thanks, Ed, but I prefer Twix, if you have them... What a Face

by **Mortuus** 2012-10-26, 16:55

DANG, O, I thought that was my Spidey-Sense a'tingling... What a Face

Ocean wrote:

by **Mortuus** 2012-10-26, 18:10

mrneddles wrote:Nice story Mort. No laughter here, simply wondering what are your plans for the watch?

That is the $63M question, Neds. Initially I figured that I might put it back in its cheezbox and stuff it back into the far-reaches of the permanent wasteland that is the space under my bathroom sink, but ultimately that didn't happen because it's expected that I'll wear it to future meetings and other events, like the three-day walk, etc. I guess I'm kind of stuck, but it's my own fault, as I started wearing a pink G-Shock - found at a yard sale a year or so ago - to all of of our shin-digs, etc. Unfortunately, they're also used to seeing me in my XXL pink Komen hoody, snap bracelet, ball-cap...Jeebus, I'm so boned, Doc...and getting less and less fond of the color pink in the bargain... pig

by AJC 2012-10-26, 18:56

I agree with the con-juror, wear that motherfucker in good health and shit.

by **Mortuus** 2012-10-26, 19:03

conjurer wrote:That's a swell story, Mort! Seriously, you should wear that ~~piece of shit~~ beautiful Invicter with pride, since the kind folks who toil beside you in your fine work (and fine work it is, goddamn it) saw fit to buy that for you. So what if Eyal's a callus cocksucker? It's the thought behind the gift that counts.

Hmmm...your mention of Eyal gives me the idea ( Idea

) that, between servicing all those callus cocks, he donated all them pink Invicters what was given away to all us toiling awardee ree-sippy-antz...I bet they were worth forty ~~dollars~~ thOW-zund doll-hairs each!!